Enabling vs. self-care for caregivers: Mother Theresa's job is taken

Here’s more information Dr. Diana Denholm, author of The Caregiving Wife’s Handbook, shared with me when I interviewed her a few weeks ago:

While I was totally unprepared for being a caregiver, as a therapist I knew about behavior and communication. I began to blaze my own trail by employing that knowledge in caring for my husband. I created and refined specific methods. When I found they worked consistently over time, I decided to share them with other caregivers. Because there is often so much anger and resentment in the caregiving process, one of my goals is to shift caregivers from using adversarial methods to using collaboration. This will result in respect and compassion for each other and a more peaceful and loving household.

When I asked her about typical problems for caregivers, she shared that a huge issue is to avoid enabling. Enabling, also called codependence, is doing for someone what they should be doing for themselves, allowing (enabling) them to continue their weak or inappropriate behavior. A common mistake caregivers make is thinking that everything is their responsibility. Women may tend to do this a little more than men because they are nurturers by nature, while both men and women may jump right in because their spouse’s life is at stake. This allows them no spare time and keeps them from caring for themselves. To avoid this trap, Denholm suggests that you work together, rather than enabling or controlling the ill person. Don't do for the cared ones what they really can and should do for themselves. Enabling creates invalids. Don't micromanage what they are able to do, even though it may be far from perfect. The less you enable, manage, or control, the more time you’ll have for yourself and the less stress you’ll experience. When appropriate, be glad to say, “It’s not my job,” even though others might think otherwise.

The upside is that you’ll actually create precious time for yourself by not taking on jobs that should be done by others – including your loved one. If you do less enabling with everything and everybody, you'll create more energy for yourself and you'll have less anger. Mother Theresa's position has already been filled! 

When I asked about self care, Diana told me that with more time you’ll have more opportunities for self care, if you give yourself permission. That's hard to do, because we're taught from childhood to be selfless. So, if the only reason you’re willing to care for yourself is to be a good caregiver, that's good enough. Self care can be very simple. No matter the income level, you can do something whether it’s meditating in the bathroom, walking around the block, going to a ball game with friends, or spending an hour at the spa. One woman Denholm interviewed for her book is from Argentina. Each year, she visits her family there for a month while her husband is well cared for at home. She tells friends and family that if her husband dies while she’s away, not to call her. “Just put him on ice and I’ll take care of it when I get home." And she's serious! In order to protect her own health, she’s willing to risk criticism from everybody, and I commend her for that. She also knows she's not going to change the fact that he'll die. She believes, as many people do, that if the sick person wants you with them at the end, they'll wait to die. Caregivers have to do what's right for them, as long as they have ensured the safety and care of the patient. 

Self-care can take many forms, such as managing your emotions and stopping energy drains which will be the subject of another blog, and is discussed in detail in the Handbook. 

Read another caregiving story, and read Diana's book, The Caregiving Wife's Handbook." Thanks to Diana for the interview, and to Elana Fiske of Hunter House Publishers for connecting us.